Bella Joy
I remember what the sidewalk looked like through my tears.
I was 30 weeks pregnant and I was sobbing as I left the doctor’s office during the Covid19 pandemic. My husband wasn’t allowed to be there during my appointments, so I drove home in tears, wondering how I would get the words out of my throat. How would I explain to him that something was wrong with our baby girl’s heart? That I might need to give birth in Las Vegas, where a pediatric cardiac surgeon could do open heart surgery on her, right after she was born? His shock was as great as mine when I told him, but his emotions were steadier and he braved the news with all the questions I was too shocked to ask in the appointment. I didn’t know. He held me close, closed his eyes and prayed… the first of so many prayers we prayed for our little girl.
We went to so many ultrasounds, and so many monitoring appointments. Thankfully, he was able to go to those with me. The stress and worry was immense on our hearts as my husband and I navigated a high risk pregnancy with only a few close friends and family. Since the world was still mainly shut down, our church and friends and family poured all their energy into bombarding the gates of heaven with prayers for our baby and for me.
At some point during the monitoring appointments and ultrasounds, I started feeling disconnected from my body. I’m sure it was shock to some extent, just trying to cope with all the what-ifs. It was no surprise that my blood pressure started rising as the stressful news grew. So many unknowns and so many questions that couldn’t really be answered while she was inside me. At our last ultrasound appointment, I was almost 35 weeks and the doctor said “we’re now more worried about you than we are your daughter. Your blood pressure is dangerously high. We’re going to give you steroid shots and hope you can keep her cooking just a few more days.” I felt like I was in a daze. Nothing made sense to my heart that was still screaming “this isn’t how it’s supposed to go!!” but I knew my body didn’t feel like it was okay.
I woke up three days later and I knew something was really wrong. We went to labor and delivery and they confirmed I was in extreme pre-eclampsia. My body was starting to shut down. Everything was an emergency after that. When I look back on it, it feels like someone hit fast forward on my memories. So many hospital staff in and out of my room. IVs were placed, gowns were changed, nurses smiled and assured me the “best” doctors were there that day… and my husband, always constant and calm, tried to distract me from all my worries as best he could. But it was impossible… we had no idea what to expect. All we knew was that God was the creator of all life, and the Great Healer. We prayed he would heal our daughter. We decided to name her Isabelle. It means “pledged to God”. We realized she was always His design… he was the one who created her, and she was entrusted to us for whatever time God laid out. We prayed he gave her a long and beautiful life, and relinquished the outcome to him.
On June 17, 2020, our Isabelle (Bella) Joy was born via c-section. She was large for 35 weeks and 2 days. A whopping 6.9 lbs and the size of a full term baby. We waited as she was urgently and immediately checked out, but the entire team found nothing wrong with her. The mood in the operating room flipped like a light switch as the head nurse said “she’s perfect! And look at those green eyes!” We laughed and cried as I got to hold her for the first time. Someone took a photo of that moment. I’m basically ugly crying with a smile on my face. I couldn’t stop kissing her and covering her face with my tears of joy. She was perfectly and miraculously healthy. The valves of her heart that they were worried about were perfectly formed. Her heartbeat was strong, her lungs were developed and I cried for joy at the sound of every strong cry.
While I was in the hospital, we went through many scary health complications that can arise after preeclampsia, and I just kept thinking I was glad I was where I would be cared for if something went really wrong. I had other thoughts too… like, “What if God knew that Bella was going to be fine… but he knew I needed to be monitored continuously because of these health complications that I had no idea were coming… and it was my life that needed to be saved, not hers?” All those 2am feedings and late night mama moments in the hospital with my little girl turned into precious moments between God and I. Moments that I realized I might’ve never had. Moments that were a gift. I was so grateful I would be around to be her mama. To care for her and love her and share with her the miraculous story of her birth.
God is the giver of GOOD gifts… and for me, those gifts were wise doctors and nurses, friends and family who prayed endlessly for His healing hand to be upon me and my daughter, and a tiny baby girl with beautiful green eyes that was born healthy in spite of a horde of tests that said she wouldn’t be. I never would’ve orchestrated my motherhood journey in this way… but I am grateful it didn’t end in grief like so many other dear friends I know. I am grateful for my life in ways I never was before. Intentional with my time in ways I wasn’t before. I am a stronger and more resilient mother, because I know what I’ve walked through. God is faithful and I am in awe of his hand in our Bella’s birth story.
Bella Joy is living a happy healthy life and has continued to show no signs of the heart issues we were so worried about. She is feisty and adventurous, cuddly and happy. We feel so blessed.
Written by Hope Robinson
