Journey to Parenthood
I always knew I wanted to be a mom. When I first met my husband it was one of the first conversations we had, I needed to be sure we were on the same page. I wanted to be a mom, I wanted to be able to stay home with our kids, and I wanted him to be a present father. I did what I was supposed to do. I found an amazing partner, I got married, we bought a house, and then it was time for a baby. Oh, how wrong I was. The journey to becoming a mom was long and hard. It was 5 years of crying every month when that test would come back negative. It was five years of being mad at myself and my body. I tried to focus on other things during that time so that I didn’t feel like I was just waiting. I got my degree, volunteered, started on my advanced degree, I bought myself something every time the test was negative, focused on my marriage. Everyone always said, “it’ll happen when you least expect it.” I was trying so hard not to expect it. But after 5 years, I knew something was up.
The decision to seek fertility treatment was humbling. My body needed help. We found out I had hyperthyroidism and a pituitary adenoma. After being on medication for a year and getting my hormone and thyroid levels where they needed to be, we were still getting negative tests every month. We needed more help. The next step was IUI (intrauterine insemination). Each failed IUI was even more devastating than the last. My husband and I had agreed we would only do it four times. After that we would just have to accept that a baby was not in our future. That fourth time was different. I did acupuncture two weeks before, right before, and right after the procedure. I pictured my uterus filling with pink glitter and stayed positive *almost* the whole time. Right before the procedure the doctor said, “it’s going to work this time!” I had a moment of doubt and said, “hopefully.” He stopped, he told me that he would not continue until I had a better attitude. I quickly changed my mindset and said, “this is it! It’s going to work!” Two weeks later, I was at chick-fil-a eating lunch with my husband. My phone rang and my heart dropped. I was afraid to answer it. With my heart racing I finally heard the words, “you’re pregnant.”
Pregnancy was everything I wanted it to be. I enjoyed every milestone, every kick, the growing belly, the aches, the mild nausea in the morning. I was amazed at what my body was doing. I was so excited to meet my baby boy but I knew I would miss feeling his kicks and knowing he was with me at all times. After 42 weeks and 2 days, 8 hours of labor, and a few minor scares, my perfect baby was here. The first time I held my son, I just laughed. I was so overcome with joy and disbelief that he was finally here, that I just held him and laughed. I finally knew was unconditional love was.
Becoming a parent is beautiful and confusing. I had this picture in my head of what kind of parent I wanted to be. After all, the most perfect parent is one with no kids. But every kid is different. There is no one answer to a situation. It is trial and error and the constant fear that I am traumatizing my children. My one constant is loving my children endlessly. I try and stay in the moment and enjoy because I know one day I will miss them being little. So I soak in every “mommy!” I hear throughout the day, breath through all of the tears and the screams, and watch in wonder at the humans they are becoming.
